MEMOIRS OF A SEARCHING LAGOS LADY 4

Osadebe Ijeoma Searching lady

 

See eh! Here is my spec: A very godly boy with a very godly bank account. It haff finish. Yes! I am a Lagos big geh and I will be falling hand by landing myself just any other young man out there. What will my friends say about me? I am not ready to be made a laughing stock by anybody. I need to marry someone befitting to enter the Coker family. As e be my mama now, she no mind who I carry come, as far as say na man but wait na, I cannot come and fall my hand anyhow because I wan marry by all means.

So the next idea is to join a department in church. You see eh, my church has big boys! I’m not even saying it with doubt in my heart. When you come late to church very often like me, you will have a better understanding of what I am talking about. No parking space inside church premises so you will be told to park outside, in the other space the church acquired for parking. I stay in Oregun since it is close to my office in Ikeja but I intentionally attend the Island chapter of my church though we have a mainland chapter in Opebi. The Island is where the big boys are so, you get what I am saying? Okay, back to the description. After you park outside, you will now have to walk into the church premises and this is where you will do Christmas for your eyes; all makes and models of cars; the SUVs top the list. I have never seen as much collection of Range Rover vehicles in a place as I see in the church parking lot not even in car showrooms. So, you must be getting the picture I am painting now. There was no better department to join than the Ushering department.

I had already done our foundation class in church so, joining the department did not take time. By the next Sunday, I had informed the unit head of my intention to join the unit and he welcomed me with open arms. Told me about a training I had to come for in order to learn what applies to the unit and how to interact with church members. Within a few weeks, I was already standing at the entrance as that was made my duty post. It was convenient. No, it was perfect. I wanted to stand at the door so I can have the opportunity to size people up long before they walked up to me.

Now, I have four classes of guys that come to church. This is taxonomy according to Damilola. There are the “talakawas”. These are mostly students and hustlers. In my church, there are a lot of high profile people and when they get to church, they let their guards down. They do not enter church with their body guards so people are people to meet with them inside church. These “talakawas” see this as an opportunity to sit next to them and see if they can have the opportunity to pitch ideas to them. Who knows where the breakthrough will come from? How do I know them? They come in very well starched and ironed shirts and they hang around the door making imaginary phone calls, waiting for when the big shots come around, then they walk into church with them and hope to get the chance of sitting next to them. No. Those are not the ones I am after.

There are the hooked. These are the ones who come to church with their family. They are usually the ones carrying the baby while wifey tags along with the baby bag and her handbag. These were the set that gave me hope because seeing this setting always makes my heart race. Of course, these are not the ones I am after.

There are the disappointers. These ones are just wicked. They come to church looking all dapper and cool. They start smiling at me from a distance, giving me so much hope. There is no baby or wifey behind and my mind does a fast calculation; prospect alert. They come closer and I see that there is a wedding band on their finger and I want to cuss them out. I wonder if their family are pagans or they are probably not living with them but these ones, they never come to church with their family. They are the long-throat guys.

There are the prospects. These are the ones who get my full headlamp smile. Not like I do not smile to others o. these ones I give them something special. They smell rich, look rich and feel rich. The only problem I have with these ones is that they hoard their smiles. They make it look like you are begging for it. Anyway, I am begging to be noticed so, I will bear.

So, the routine is that before service every Sunday, we hold hands to pray for the service and to ask God to manifest himself during the service. Just before the prayer ends, I slip in my own prayer point, “Lord, may today be the day I am waiting for”.

I have done this for almost two months and it looked like this was a futile attempt. I was already considering dropping out of the unit when the Lord answered in the most unexpected way. We just ended service and I was chatting with some of my unit members and trying to find our way out of church when this cool looking dude walked up to me,

“Hi. Please can I have a word with you?”

See Alanta dance in my mind nau. Chei! The happen have happen.

Oya, go and rest small. I will continue the gist next time.

Comments

  1. Bolaji

    Ijeoma.. Its me Bolaji BbmFriend… Abeg dis story cut my attention… Am intrested what happens next.. Keep me posted.

    Nice write up… I most commend.

  2. Montee

    “There are the disappointers. These ones are just wicked. They come to church looking all dapper and cool. They start smiling at me from a distance, giving me so much hope. There is no baby or wifey behind and my mind does a fast calculation; prospect alert”. Hahahaha. My days. I kept reading this part and laughing. Damilola, ko easy rara o. Please, make sure you catch a good brother. I’m rooting for you.

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